"If you're a good parent, you're going to frustrate your 2-year-old, and that doesn't mean deliberately. It just means when they want a cookie before dinner, and you're not gonna give them a cookie, you're going to say no, no cookie before dinner. If he's a healthy 2-year-old he is going to throw a tantrum because he's frustrated." - Dr. Gabor Maté
In the journey of parenting, one of the most invaluable gifts we can give our children is the ability to feel safe in their frustration (emotion). This crucial concept emphasises that a child’s emotional experiences should be validated and accepted without judgment. But what does it truly mean to create such a nurturing space?
Understanding Emotional Safety
Dr. Becky Kennedy highlights that to help children feel safe and authentic, they must be allowed to experience their emotions without fear of being wrong or rejected. Emotions are natural, and by fostering an environment where children can express what they feel, we validate their inner experiences. This means acknowledging their feelings as real and important, even when those feelings are challenging.
Dr. Gabor Maté reminds us that even the best parenting will inevitably lead to moments of frustration for our children. Instead of punishing "negative" (tantrum) emotional expression, parents have the opportunity to guide their children in understanding and processing their feelings.
The Misunderstanding of Unconditional Acceptance
Dr. Thomas Gordon sheds light on the concept of unconditional acceptance in parenting. Many parents mistakenly interpret this as allowing children to do whatever they want without boundaries. However, acceptance does not equate to permission for any behavior. It’s essential for children to understand that feeling upset, angry, or frustrated is perfectly normal, but their actions in response to those feelings need guidance.
While we should accept emotions, we must also set appropriate boundaries around behavior. Acceptance and guidance go hand in hand.
The Dangers of Conditional Acceptance
While Dr. Jordan Peterson advocates for a form of conditional acceptance—suggesting that children should be isolated until they "calm down"—Dr. Gabor Maté argues that this approach sends a harmful message: that authentic feelings, especially negative ones, are unacceptable. When children internalize this belief, they may come to feel that their true selves are unwelcome, leading to profound identity crises in adulthood.
Our culture often rewards compliance, teaching children that their worth lies in meeting our expectations. As they grow up, many find themselves disconnected from their true emotions and identities, struggling to navigate the complexities of their feelings.
Fostering Emotional Authenticity
So, how can we foster a safe space for our children’s emotional authenticity? Here are some practical steps:
Validate Their Feelings
Listen with the intent to understand, not just to respond. In Parent Effectiveness Training, we teach the skill of Active Listening, which allows children to express their feelings and process their thoughts. For example, if a child says, “I don’t like going to school every day,” respond with, “You really get tired of school sometimes.”
Model Emotional Expression
Show your children that it’s okay to express feelings. Share your emotions in a healthy way. Using "I-messages," you can communicate your feelings honestly. Instead of saying, “You’re being rude, Daniel,” try, “Daniel, I don’t like it when you talk this loud during the news because I can’t hear it.”
Set Clear Boundaries
While accepting their feelings, teach your children appropriate ways to express those emotions. In Parent Effectiveness Training, we guide parents in helping their children respect both their needs and those of others. It’s crucial for children to learn that while it’s okay to feel angry, it’s not acceptable to hit or shout.
Conclusion
Creating a safe emotional space for our children is essential for their development and well-being—and it’s a skill that can be learned. By mastering how to listen so that children feel understood, communicate effectively, and resolve conflicts with mutual respect, we can cultivate healthier parent-child relationships.
Let’s commit to fostering a world where our children feel safe to be real in all their beautiful complexity. If you're ready to equip yourself with these vital skills, consider enrolling in Parent Effectiveness Training. Transform your parenting journey and help your children navigate their emotions with confidence and authenticity. Together, we can pave the way for them to grow into emotionally healthy adults who know and accept themselves fully.
Learn more: www.parents.co.za
Disclaimer: The information contained in this communication is not to be construed as medical advice. Consult a professional on any medical or psychological concerns. The articles and blogs are posted only as opinion or ideas, and are general in nature. The administrator takes no responsibility for any action or outcome a reader may make as a result of reading a post.
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