Many parents today feel like they’re losing influence over their children. Instead of turning to parents for guidance and support, children are looking to their friends, social media, and the internet. This shift, known as "peer orientation," makes parenting more challenging. But the good news is that we can rebuild strong connections with our children using simple and effective strategies.
Why Are Children Drifting Away?
In their book Hold On to Your Kids, Dr. Gordon Neufeld and Dr. Gabor Maté discuss several factors contributing to this change:
Peer Culture: Social media and school environments encourage children to seek approval from friends instead of family.
Busy Parents: Work, responsibilities, and daily stress leave less time for meaningful conversations with children.
Attachment Disruptions: Divorce, long hours in daycare, and screen time can weaken the parent-child bond.
Parenting Struggles: Many parents swing between being too strict or too lenient, which can push children further away.
How to Rebuild Connection: 3 Simple Parenting Tools
Parent Effectiveness Training (PET) by Dr. Thomas Gordon offers practical ways to strengthen the parent-child relationship. These three techniques can make a big difference:
Active Listening: Show Your Child You Hear Them
When children feel unheard, they turn to their friends for support. Active listening helps them feel safe and understood at home.
Example:
Child: “Nobody at school likes me. I hate going.”Parent (Active Listening): “That sounds really tough. You feel left out and alone.”
Child: “Yeah, I don’t fit in.”Parent: “That must be really hard. You want to feel like you belong.”
When parents listen with empathy instead of jumping in with advice, children are more likely to open up.
I-Messages: Communicate Without Pushing Them Away
Instead of blaming or nagging, I-Messages help parents express their concerns without creating resistance.
Example:
❌ “You’re always on your phone! You never talk to me anymore.”
✅ “I feel sad when I see you on your phone all the time because I miss spending time with you.”
This approach keeps communication open and encourages cooperation.
Win-Win Problem Solving: Work Together on Solutions
Instead of being too strict or too easygoing, find solutions together.
Example:
Conflict Over Friends
Parent: “I know your friends are important to you, but I’m also worried about some of the things I’ve noticed. How can we make this work for both of us?”
Child: “Maybe I can check in with you more often, so you know I’m safe.”
Parent: “That sounds like a good plan. Let’s try it.”
By involving children in decision-making, they feel respected and valued.
Bringing It All Together
To rebuild a strong parent-child bond:
✅ Listen actively so your child feels emotionally safe with you.
✅ Use I-Messages to share concerns without blame.
✅ Solve problems together instead of using power struggles.
With these simple tools, parents can regain their role as their child’s most important guide and support system.
For more parenting tips, visit www.parents.co.za
Disclaimer: The information contained in this communication is not to be construed as medical advice. Consult a professional on any medical or psychological concerns. The articles and blogs are posted only as opinion or ideas, and are general in nature. The administrator takes no responsibility for any action or outcome a reader may make as a result of reading a post.
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